Sunday, July 06, 2008

AK in Amrika - I

“AK, you are travelling to Mumbai for 2 weeks, please book tickets and accommodation” says my manager, interrupting my crucial daily team meeting that decides on our venue for lunch. I wanted to tell him that we are in the 21st century where we use a wonderful tool called email, but I let it pass. “But why should I do all that? We have a travel dept!” I retorted, this being my first tryst with the dreaded bureaucracies that my company’s support departments are.

Between roars of laughter, my team explained to me that the travel department has more important tasks on hand like making employees run around getting copies of documents, attending parties at the rooftop cafeteria, ignoring telephone calls and such. Three days were spent planning for travel, an entire evening was spent getting my dusty suitcase down from the attic, packing stuff and telling my folks that I will be gone for 2-3 weeks.

“AK, please cancel the trip and return the advance” said my manager, two days before I was supposed to leave. “Things like this happen”, I told myself as I painfully undid three days of hectic planning. This was in November 2007. Then Delhi happened, Hyderabad happened, Chennai happened, then Singapore and USA. Soon, my travel became a joke. “Folks, I am leaving for Singapore this Friday” used to evoke sympathetic smiles from my parents, a wink from my wife and smirks from neighbors! All the while, the packed suitcase lay on the floor and I was literally living out of a suitcase in my own house!

I wasn’t doing much in office either, other than locating good travel deals on www.travelguru.com and www.yatra.com and waiting for my manager to announce the next exciting destination. Finally, after six months of preparation, I got the email – “6 weeks, consulting assignment at Phoenix”. I completed the paperwork in a record time of 3 weeks (yes, that’s a record for my company); postponed my travel for three more weeks, one week at a time and kept my plan under wraps at home. On the day of travel, I announced “I am flying to Arizona tonight”. I guess the happy feeling that my suitcase would finally get on a plane slightly overtook the fear that I was going to land in a desert in peak summer, 48 degree centigrade for a Bangalorean is pretty much death sentence.

(to be continued)

Monday, December 03, 2007

I have a solution

for the growing menace of ugly political posters and of course the perennial traffic woes of Bangalore.

I start my day with a drive down Bellary Road watching with discomfort the wily, ugly and outright hideous faces of various politicians hanging from every light pole, stuck to every compound wall facing the road. And god help me when I get stuck in a regular traffic jam with some ugly old monster staring down at me from one of those large cut-outs. Yuck!

One of these days, I hit upon a solution. Politics is largely entertainment in our country anyway, so why not encourage all these Bollywood actors to join the fray? You see, politicians today don't have to have an opinion, they don't even have to debate or make speeches. All they have to do is look good and utter inanities in front of the press. And bollywood has natural talent when it comes to these things. And by actors, I mean current idols and not some old, drunk who used to be a star some eons ago.

Think of the advantages. No more ugly posters! You have Deepika Padukone smiling from the nearest lamp post and Shahrukh's six pack on a 30 feet cutout! Well, I would prefer Deepika Padukone's smile to a crook's any day...

So there... all political parties, my vote goes to the party that gets the prettiest candidate, at least in Bangalore. Ideology and development be damned!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Stupidity

Greed and stupidity go hand in hand I guess. That's evident from the SMS games you get to hear on BengaLuru FM stations these days. Be it 'Tick Tock Boing' (so much for creativity) or 'Swalpa Guess Maadi', it's clear to anyone endowed with a normal human brain that these are nothing but elaborate cons!

The game 'Swalpa Guess Maadi' takes the cake. The station plays a 1 sec audio clip containing the voice of a 'celebrity' and the listeners are supposed to guess the voice. The prize money increases by a 1000 bucks with every failed attempt. There are no clues mind you... the only way you will win is to keep guessing. The logical move for a player would be to wait.. for his/her chances (and also the prize money) increases with every elimination. But no, looks like there is no shortage of morons in this 'hi-tech' city. I have been hearing the same voice for over 2 weeks now and the radio station and telecom companies are getting richer by the hour.

It's true... greed destroys the ability to think logically.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Can Hell get any worse?

They live in the dark, damp sewers. Scurrying about, worried only about their next meal. The foul smell, the muck doesn't bother them anymore. The years spent in the sewers have conditioned them to actually enjoy their lives there. This is HOME!

They don't bother to go out into the light, they don't stop to think if life could be better. After all, they have seen their inquisitive brethren being mercilessly squashed. Extermination attempts don't bother them a bit. A whole lot die but the others carry on. There is no time to mourn the lives lost, no time to question why and retaliation was never in their nature anyway. After all, the sole purpose of their lives is to scurry around, scavenge, reproduce a whole lot and finally be squashed.

NO, I am not talking about a colony of cockroaches.... I am talking about us and the the large sewer we live in!

Friday, August 31, 2007

Mad Ads

It's been a month since I started driving to work (all the way across the god forsaken city of Bangalore) and Radio City keeps me company as I curse my way thru the insane traffic. Now, Radio City is infamous for its ads... both in quantity and quality and I want to share my personal favourites here.

1. UTI Bank (now, AXIS Bank):

(Male Voice): Doston... Bollywood ke woh kaun se shaks hain jo apne naam Yusuf se badal kar koi aur naam se mashoor hue? Jee haan, woh hain hamaare "Tragedy King" Dilip Kumar saab. Bilkul jaise UTI Bank ab bangaya AXIS Bank!

2. Ad for a Radio City show hosted by a poor RJ called Vasanthi:

(Female Voice): What do men want?
(Male Voice): More Toys... More Speed, More Money... MORE VASANTHI??


3. Ad for the same show:

(Male Voice): Wake up every morning with Sunshine Girl Vasanthi!!

This one always makes me laugh! No matter how bad the traffic jam.. no matter who cuts me off, I just can't help laughing at this one!! No offense, Vasanthi... and Good Luck UTI Bank!!

More to come...